Anonymous or Known… That is the question!

I thought I would write a post about our experiences with picking our donor.

When we were first embarking on this journey I spent hours on the internet trying to find blogs, Youtube videos, chat room groups, anything really, about lesbian couples experiences in this topic and the whole TTC process. So I truly hope that if this blog is ever found by someone, who is going through what I was, then what I am about to write is helpful.

I have mentioned before that T and I ended up choosing a very good friend to be our donor (actually he is Ts best friend). But before we decided that we would ask him we had always thought we would choose an anonymous donor. Our thoughts were that T and I were the childs parents and we did not want a third party involved. When ever anyone asked us about having kids we would always rattle off some explanation about anonymous donors and how this fitted our image of what our family looked like (Side note: Why do people feel the need to ask lesbian couples quite intimate questions on donors? hmm.. curiosity?)

It wasn’t until early 2016 that T and I discussed the idea of having a known donor. We still knew that we would want to be the only parents in the childs life. But after fostering over the last two years we came to realise that our belief was that a child should know where they came from and should be given the opportunity to nurture a relationship. Now don’t get us wrong we still think that having an anonymous donor is right for most lesbian couples but in our case it wasn’t. We came to realise that love and family came in so many different forms.

So a known donor it was but who would we ask? It had been decided very early in our relationship that I would carry our child. T wanted a child but could never imagine herself pregnant. This worked out well as I had always wanted to be pregnant! So our donor would have to be similar to T. Looks didn’t concern us too much but we wanted someone who shared the same humour and personality traits as T. We realised that the only person who did was her best friend!

One night over a few beers T blurted the big question out. Of course he had to speak to his boyfriend about it as we didn’t want anyone to feel left out as this was a major life changing decision for all parties involved. Luckily it was a resounding yes and we decided that after some health checks and blood tests we would start TTC in August 2016.

We have spent about 9 months talking and talking and talking and talking this through. But we all agree on the outcome and agreement. Our agreement is this: T and I are the parents. We make all the parental decisions and the child lives full time with us. However, our donor and his boyfriend are apart of our family. The child will know that he is the donor. Our donor wants a friendship/ close bond with the child.And T and I are happy with this arrangement. Our donor who is in his thirties (Side note: I have just turned 27 and T is about to turn 30) wants a child but doesn’t want the responsibility of full time parenting.

This isn’t something to go into lightly, especially with such close friends. But we have been so fortunate after three cycles that it hasn’t affected our friendship. Who knows what the future holds or how an actual baby may effect us all but for now I feel fortunate.

I was going to talk about how we decided to do at home inseminations but I might save that for another post.

Be kind to one and other.

Until next time,


One thought on “Anonymous or Known… That is the question!”

  1. Really enjoyed your perspective here! We have gone back and forth with the same dilemma about a father’s involvement. We lack male candidates and friends, though. Wishing the best for you all and the arrangement. Congrats on a special opportunity. 🙂


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